Allowing Love

The title says it all.. something that I’ve had such a difficult time with is allowing people to love me. I use to think people just didn’t for whatever reason, that somehow I was unlovable or men were just heartless pieces of shit. I have had so much fear and anxiety around being loved that in my mind I convinced myself someone doesn’t like me, they don’t care, they rather have someone else, I’m annoying, someone else is prettier with a better body, I seem like I don’t need anyone so they probably think I don’t. I mean I go over things in my head countless times all driven from a deep rooted insecurity. I have deep abandonment issues as well as an extremely hard time getting close to people because I’m so scared that it’ll hurt to much when they realize I’m not the person they want. Ive realized through self reflection and growth that’s not the case. Not only is that not the case, its not true.

Everyone is worthy of love. However I do believe you have to give it to get it. By that I mean you not only have to love people around you, you have to love YOURSELF. You have to love yourself so you can identify what kind of love you need and what real love feels like. Self-care isn’t just about face mask, hot baths, and pedicures , that all apart of it but self care is also mentally and emotionally stimulating yourself . You have to awaken your heart. You have to accept everything about yourself and realize its ok to be loved by not only others but by YOU.

What I’ve realized is desperation gets you nowhere, closing yourself off gets you nowhere, being afraid of being hurt gets you nowhere. I’ve had to let all of that go. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and for whatever reason made a decision. I literally said to myself “I’ve decided I want to be loved, I’ve decided I deserve love, and I’m going to allow it” this may seem corny as fuck but that’s exactly what happened . I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and myself only . I have changed so many parts of myself, from my mind to my body, and changing how I perceive myself inside and out. I am not all the way there yet, I will always be a work in progress but what I can say is I’m working on it ! Expecting perfection of myself just so I can be loved is unrealistic. I will never be perfect, I don’t need to be perfect in order to find the perfect person.

I believe the perfect person for me isn’t going to be perfection to everyone else, probably won’t even be perfection to themselves. The same way I won’t be. Thats ok. I don’t expect that. The same way they won’t expect that out of me. Its the imperfect parts of us that make us desirable. However don’t confuse these words with accepting toxic individuals. Thats how self love ties in. If you love yourself enough and know how to love yourself; you will know exactly what you DESERVE.

Here’s how I will end this.. Release whatever it is in your heart and head that makes you think you’re unlovable. Release your fear of love. Release the pain from past loves. Accept yourself the way you are. Accept that you will never be perfect to everyone but you’re perfect to yourself. Accept new love. Accept that love doesn’t always work out. Accept that love is a risk, but worth the reward. Invite love into your life and watch what happens.

Being Single

Now you know I love being single, I am the single fucking advocate , some other post I’ve written have been about finding love and companionship and that is a beautiful thing that I look forward too one day. But for all my single people… ENJOY this time!

Don’t sit and think about how much you want to be with someone day in and day out, because often times you end up settling because you’re becoming desperate !

I know , I know no-one wants to be called desperate , you think of yourself more as a hopeless romantic right? The word hopeless screams desperation unfortantely! What I’m trying to say is enjoy this time, enjoy whatever phase of your life you’re in. If you’re newly single, recently divorced, been single your entire life. Learn to enjoy this time by yourself and alone.

One day you will be talking to your good Judy on the phone about how much your partner is getting on your nerves and how much you want to ring their neck. LOL! You will reminisce on the days when you were single and all of the good times you had.

Go out, date, vibe with people . Enjoy the dating phase or the phase of not dating at all. We often times don’t live in the moment. We are constantly thinking about what we want instead of what we have, and it isn’t until later when we look back that we actually appreciate and miss the old days.

In conclusion I’m just saying it’s ok to look, to date, to even search! But it’s also ok to be single and it’s not a bad thing no matter what age you are. Take this time to enjoy YOU!

PS. The perfect person is out there for you.. The stars will align and they will find you when you least expect.

Self-Esteem

I found a new stretch mark on me this week. It’s about and inch long and right on the side of my boob. I’ve been obsessing over it. I raise my arms in all different directions to see what angles make it look better and make it look worse. I hate it. Now every time I take my shirt off I see this white stretch mark sitting right there on the side of my boob the boobs I use to love, the boobs I paid 7500 dollars for. The past few days i’ve been avoiding the mirror as much as possible when I’m naked. I get like this a week or two out of each month. My body image is crushed. I can’t stand to look at myself and when I do I want to crawl out of my skin. I find not just a few flaws but my entire being is just ugly to me.

I hate waking up and worrying about what I CAN’T eat, how much harder I should workout, getting a nose job, getting new clothes, changing my hair, being more successful, making more money, being a better person, trying a new skincare line to help my breakouts and dark marks. I haven’t always been like this. One day I just became this way. All of a sudden a few years ago I just experienced what seems to be serious self esteem issues. I gave into every insecurity a person could have and stopped enjoying things about myself . Now again I have weeks that I feel fine, I feel decent, cute and not half bad. However those feelings are becoming few and far between.

I wish I could end this blog post this week with encouraging words and me saying things to make myself or someone else feel better. That’s not the case. The truth is I think most of us will encounter self esteem issues and feel inadequate at times rather it be a physical issue , an emotional issue, mental issue , or financial issues. Insecurities can manifest itself in may different forms. I think being critical of yourself is beneficial in many ways, but I think theres a fine line of being critical and being negative and abusive to yourself.

The best thing I can do is work on it, because I never like to complain about an issue that I have no desire to fix. I have to use whatever avenues I can find to help build my confidence rather that be read, workout harder, blogs, podcast, meditation. I plan to try and work on my self esteem everyday so that I can accept myself . No matter what I do I’m always gonna be Alexis, I can’t climb out of my body and be someone else, I’m stuck with myself and I need to make my mind and body and enjoyable place to be stuck in.

Grieving the living

So let me start off by saying yesterday was the most random day of my life. I have been in rural Tennessee since the pandemic started and I had to leave the busy city of New York . ( oh how I miss it ) But my parents who live in Los Angeles suggested I come see them and spend the second half of my quarantine in LA. I most definitely wasn’t going to turn that offer down . I am here now, and Must say an ocean view and warm weather makes quarantine much easier to manage.

I boarded my flight yesterday from ATL to LAX. It wasn’t full at all and their were lots of empty seats and of course everyone was required to wear a mask. But under one particular persons mask I was able to make out some familiar eyes, and then familiar tattoos, and a familiar memory. It was my ex .

Now a little quick back story. I lost my virginity to him at 15 and we were in young love, which eventually grew into adult love. We ended our relationship 5 years ago and when we did we never spoke again. No calls, text, social media, nothing was exchanged. I moved out of the state so that I never had to endure the pain of running into him . That breakup devastated me like nothing else I’ve ever experienced and I’ve experienced a lot of shit. He moved on immediately after me and left me with a billion pieces to pick up. I went to Maine in a tiny cabin where I sobbed and had no access to the outside world. I eventually moved into my grandmothers in the middle of fucking Kansas and refused to eat or speak to anyone. I was less than 100 pounds at one point. I called psychics every night and tried to find clarity and understanding. I was broken .

Slowly I picked up the pieces over the years but always felt a little broken. It wasn’t until November 2019 only six months ago that I finally got rid of everything he ever gave me and things that reminded me of him. Trufthfully I never fully opened my heart up since that break up.

UNITL NOW

I got off the plane and made up my mind I was going to go up to him and speak after a four hour plane ride debating if I had it in me to do so. I walked up to him at baggage claim and said “hi”. Sweats on , tank top, no makeup and messy bun. This was not exactly how I pictured running into him . OH and believe me I’ve pictured it many times. He responded with hello and I could tell he was extremely shocked. Our conversation lasted 20 seconds. I basically just said I wanted to say hi and I hope he is well . He said the same, then we went our separate ways. As I walked away I never felt so happy and light. I felt nothing for him. Not a thing for this man that I spent years feeling empty from losing him. I was free you guys. Understand my words, I was FREE. Free from wondering, free from feeling like I failed at a relationship, free from wondering why not me, and free from him. I don’t believe in organized religion . It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. But I believe in god and the universe . The odds of me running into this person on a plane in a city I don’t live in during a pandemic are slim to none. God did that for me. He gave me such a beautiful and much needed blessing. He gave me closure. But most of all he gave me peace.

Time heals all wounds. It’s so hard to believe that when you’re going through a hard time that feels like their is no end in sight. I never thought I would recover from the pain I felt, or that I would find anyone and if I did would I be able to give my heart to them fully. I can tell you 100% there is love after loss. There is forgiveness , there is understanding, there is someone else. Trust the process, trust yourself and trust whatever higher power or energy you believe in. Life goes on.

Ive never felt better and been happier . That 1 in a million experience is something I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

I am healed.

Finally.

Self-Isolation : Coronavirus Quarantine

If you live on planet earth then you probably are familiar with the fucking coronavirus ! Well about 8 weeks ago I left the busy city of New York to fly down to Chattanooga, Tennessee and self isolate with my best friend . Given that my job in New York closed and the city has become the epicenter for the virus I got the hell out of there before it was too late .

I must say it’s been a stressful 8 weeks . I’ve gone through so many phases . The shocked phase, the fearful phase worrying about my family and people all over the world and how it would effect them , the conspiracy phase , and the horny and irritated phase !

I am officially tired of being inside ! The weather is getting warmer , the days are longer , and I’m ready to get back out there ! I wanna go on dates , I wanna share a cigarette outside of a bar with my friends, I wanna call up one of my hookup buddies at 2 in the morning and ask if I can come over . Never did I imagine I would be sitting inside of a house with no clear idea as to when this will all end . But I’m thankful . I’m thankful to everyone who reached out , I’m thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones , I’m thankful for Instagram live , alcohol, weed, and porn . This is a difficult time for us all .. some much more than others . But I think this has taught a lot of us to appreciate life more , and understand how delicate and fragile it is , and to say yes more often when friends ask you to hangout , call your family more , and take nothing for granted .

Loss of sexual interest

I have recently been overwhelmed with the idea of losing sexual interest with your partner. Now currently I don’t have an exclusive partner but I do have people I see on a regular basis and we have a sexual relationship. We do other shit and of course I’m attracted to them in other ways than sex but I don’t see myself wanting a marriage or kids with them. Anyways Ive had these kind of “hookups” or casual sex for the past 5 years I’ve been single and even before my relationship. For whatever reason 95% of these kind of just fade out. I LOSE INTEREST! I just wonder why? I still like them on a personal level but for whatever reason I just get tired of having sex with them. It starts to feel like a chore, and even worse the thought of it makes me cringe. I wish I knew why I suddenly lose interest. Or lose interest to the extent of just literally not even wanting a person to touch me, and find myself on the prowl for something new and exciting . Now when I was with my ex I loved him, like an obsessive kind of love. It Felt like I couldn’t live without him. I loved having sex, even when we were mad at each other I still wanted to have sex, which isn’t like me but I wanted that closeness with him. So that makes me think.. maybe if I love someone enough I won’t lose interest in them sexually and want to explore other options. Or maybe that strong love and desire with someone I love will also fade like it does in most marriages and long term commitments. Or maybe I’m a sex addict and always lookin for a new rush with someone new and exciting. Or maybe I’m scared of commitment and won’t love someone enough to actually want to put the effort in and not let It just die. I wish I knew. But I don’t. I would really love feedback on this one and opinions from people with the same or different perspective. Leave them below or inbox me on instagram.

Wasted Time

When people say time is precious we often overlook it. But that is a very real and true statement and being told to not waste your time, or value your time is some of the best advice you can receive. You just have to really receive it. Because that is such a general statement and rings true when it comes to anything , for the sake of my blog I will concentrate on romantic relationships.Imagine spending a life investing in the wrong person. Settling for good enough, or maybe not even that , just settling. Looking at life through a fish tank watching people flourish with their partners, watching them be happy, watching them be fulfilled. It doesn’t have to be like that. You can do bad on your own. Don’t stay with someone out of comfort, or Because you have kids, or Because you have hope in them. There’s a difference between having a rough patch and being in a rough relationship, and we all know the difference even if we try and lie to ourselves. Your time , Your youth, Your health, you can’t get that back. Don’t give that to the wrong person when chances are there is someone much more deserving of that time, someone who appreciates it, someone who invest in you the way you invest in them. One day you will look back and think about all the good years you wasted on the wrong person. They are just a PERSON. Yes you love them, maybe they can change , but why should you be used as a punching bag or a doormat until they do? Leave. GO! Because it will probably end eventually so why invest more days, months, years in this relationship?DO NOT waste your time. It’s the most valuable thing you have and we are all just borrowing it.

I love u so much it hurts

The title says it all.. I want someone to love me until it hurts. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? I want to love someone so deeply, so unconditionally , and so much that it hurts. Not hurts in a bad way but the kind of hurt that you physically feel it when they aren’t around you. You miss them so much it makes it almost impossible to be apart. I had this in my relationship which was the only one I ever had. He was my first love , we dated as kids and into adulthood. Man even as a 14 year old I knew the way I felt about him wasn’t normal. I fucking Loved him. I obsessively thought of him every waking moment. We ended up breaking up and reconnecting as adults . I was 20. When I saw him again for the first time in a long time I was just as in love with him as I was as a kid but even more. I remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom just so I could cry and beg a god I didn’t believe in to let this workout with him even if it isn’t right for me. (true story I begged god) . I then preceded to move across the country where he lived to be with him. Even though I loved him .. I didn’t love him the right way. We were both so immature and so passionate. It was a toxic dangerous kind of love. When we broke up I thought I would never recover. He didn’t love me as much as I loved him or perhaps in the way that I did. I told myself I would never love anyone else again. I’m 26 and I can assure you I will love someone else again just not like that. But I will love them with every ounce of myself . I will love them enough to give them space. To give them freedom. To let them be an individual. Everything I didn’t do in my past relationship. Love is not possession of a person it is an experience with someone. I wanna experience that with someone again. I wanna be so in love it pains me to be apart. But also love them enough to understand being apart is healthy and necessary . I just hope the next person I love , loves me back , because my heart can’t take loving the wrong person again.

Shake it off

More often than not we live in a delusion when it comes to dating… Sometimes it feels like we like him more than he likes us. We go on these great dates he makes us feel like we are the only woman in the room, that we are special. But more times than not we aren’t. When dating you have to know that a lot of times people are dating more than just one person, especially with online dating. Everything is so accessible and a lot of us are on the hunt through a jungle of endless men and women. So naturally we date as much as possible and “do our thang” until we find someone that sweeps us off our feet. Sadly for most women we are much more easily swept off our feet than men are. So that leaves us feeling like shit when a guy moves on and things die down. The thing i’ve learned is to not interalnize these situations. It’s not us, we aren’t a problem. He’s just not into you. He had fun and maybe you guys had a great connection for a night, a week, or a few months, but that doesn’t mean you two are meant to go the distance. Dating is about experience what you like and don’t like and just going with it. You don’t have to settle for every guy that shows you a good time and feels “good enough” so why sit up and stress about it? Stress about him? move on and find the perfect fit because the perfect fit is out there for you .

A perfect kind of love

So I stayed up late even though I was tired to watch my best friend’s wedding.. You know the movie with the stunning Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz? Julia tries to take Cameron Diaz soon to be husband. It’s an amazing romantic comedy. Well so many things ring true in that movie. It talks about Julias inability to open up and be vulnerable or ‘lovey dovey’ and instantly it reminded me of myself ! It’s like I run away and reject the idea of love, romance , and sensitivity in my real life. Yet, I go home and watch romantic movies all night long. My all time favorite movie is Indecent Proposal which is about true love and man the ending gets me every time! I ball like a baby. Why am I like this? apart of me knows why but then the other part of me feels like well if I know why then why can’t I change? The truth is I want to be swept off my feet and experience true love. I want someone to sing badly to me , to dance with me in the street, to hold me, and to stare at me in the eyes without me feeling uncomfortable . Maybe a part of me feels like its not real.. Or if it is real it won’t last. It won’t turn into something long term, a part of me is also insecure . I can’t help but to wonder why any one would want me. I feel so unlovable. I wish I knew how to fix it. I wish I was the optimistic openly hopeless romantic. Instead I hide my romantic side away and just continue to be a hard ass. I want so badly to change my ways . I want to be loved.