So you think you aren’t worthy?

It’s easy to get lost in the world of not only social media but the real world. However; before the internet your pick of the litter only came from people you physically met , unless you were prison pin pals lol. So I think its safe to say we all feel threatened and insecure at times. We know that people can go on their phone and have 30 different apps that connect them with millions of people. Rather it be dating apps or social media apps. 

It’s easy to get inside your head about all the beautiful or handsome people out there that they could be talking to or better yet to put it simply , comparing you to. Human nature is to want more, to just take a peek and SEE if the grass is greener. Ninety percent of us want someone we are attracted to or for that matter want someone FINE as hell . So its easy to be casually dating an attractive person, who seems pretty cool and fun and still be looking. 

Why is it so hard to focus on one person at a time? Now I whole heartedly believe no-one should settle for anything less than what they want. Even if the things they want happen to be extremely shallow (which isn’t the case for most People) but some people lack substance so they genuinely could give a fuck less about the inside. ( fuck those people but all power to them ) Anyways to all my readers with real feelings let me tell you I’ll be the first to admit I not only have been the person for five years looking for greener grass but also I’ve been overlooked. 

I recently was out on a date with someone I liked and their phone was blowing up with hinge notifications . At that moment it suddenly dawned on me that everyone else is looking for the same thing . I felt somewhat helpless In a sense. Not to be dramatic but I just did. It felt like at that moment there’s nothing I could do to feel worthy

A few days went by and I kept thinking of that guy on more dates, doing the same romantic things, saying the same shit, and taking them the same places. Those few days I felt sad, insecure, misunderstood , and unlovable. I started criticizing myself. Needless to say I snapped out of it and remembered who the fuck I am. I AM worthy. There will always be prettier people, smarter , more fun, “better” body, and more charismatic . But their will NEVER be anyone like me , or like you. Let’s be honest most of us didn’t fall in love in love before with the hottest person on earth. Yet we found our partner more desirable than anyone. We didn’t care about them being perfect, we liked how imperfect they were. We loved their spirit, energy, looks, vibes, how they made us feel, the connection. 

We are ALL worthy. We all have something to contribute and to give to the world and to a partner that no-one else has. We are all unique. Someone will love us for who we are despite the fact that they have millions of options, despite the fact that we aren’t perfect, or maybe don’t look like the typical beauty standards. Your perfect person isn’t comparing you to anyone else because you’ve already won. The same way you aren’t comparing them, you could give a fuck who else exist because at the end of the day when you’re scrolling through your phone , past all the social media men and women, they’re perfect to you, they’re what you think about from dusk till dawn. 

YOU are worthy

Being Vulnerable

Some of us have no problem at all being vulnerable while others like myself struggle with it. I have noticed that men especially have a much harder time more often than not with being vulnerable than most women do . That of course has to do with society for the most part .

My struggle with vulnerability partly has to do with my personality and partly with a deep fear of rejection or pain. If you’ve read my post then it comes as no surprise that emotions outside of anger and emotionless are hard for me to express . Last night I thought to myself ‘Why not just be real and see what happens’ . As quickly as that thought entered my mind it also fleeted just as fast .

I have questions I want to ask and for the most part I ask basic surface level ones . But for some reason I have a hard time asking for what I want out of people . Just completely opening up being VULNERABLE and just saying what it is I want or asking what it is the other person is feeling . I don’t want to know the answer because I’m afraid it’ll be something painful or just not enough . But again I think to myself ‘Why not get the answer so you can move on , why keep wasting time ‘ . I always thought what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me , but it in fact it hurts me deeply not knowing where people stand .

I want to be vulnerable more and more each day . I want to be so secure in myself and my ability to be resilient despite how upsetting or hurtful it can be to open up . I also want to believe that not every outcome will be bad , that being open can lead to good things . I want to believe that vulnerability can strengthen my current relationships and create future ones .

I became to comfortable in being perceived as cold and uninterested that I actually started to become that in a lot of ways , it was no longer a perception of me but the reality . I tell myself all the time “fuck it , who cares , move on” . That is not the person I wish to be , nor has it helped me in anyway. I watched people I loved create happiness all around them and bask in beautiful relationships because I didn’t want to ask for it . I watched them detach and walk away . I rather have these uncomfortable conversations with no clue what the outcome will be than to not have them at all and be left wondering what it could of been .

To all those struggling with opening yourself up … Just do it .

Diary Entry

This week I had something I wanted to write about but I couldnt form a thought or sentence. I just could not focus on the topic I wanted to talk about for the life of me. So instead I figured I would write about how I’m feeling and I’m sure you all will be able to relate.

You ever feel like you’re the one who always reaches out to people? Always forgives people? Always the one who bends over backwards? The supportive one? The understanding one? Me too! I spent so many years thinking I was the one always at fault because I’ve always had a dominant personality and I can come across as rude or cold, or hard to get to know. Therefore a few years ago this guilt sank in and I wanted to be different and wanted to change my image or how people perceived me. So I became a doormat, always saying yes to things I wanted to say no to, always working it out with people who deep down I had no desire to even want to be around, always being the apologizer and taking accountability while also CHANGING my behavior while the other party stayed the same.

So it left me feeling weak and submissive. Now compared to the average person I probably wouldn’t ever be perceived as weak but compared to the person I was before, I most definitely am. Now granted I wanted to change, I needed to change. I in no way was perfect and had deep anger issues and could not control my mouth. But some things about me should of stayed the same. Like not giving people a million chances, or to stop reaching out to people who don’t give a shit if i’m alive and well. I need to stop being so fucking understanding to people who blame their fucked up behaviors on having a bad week or day, especially considering they have a bad week every other fucking week. Yet are so normal and completely fine to everyone else. I understand people go through shit but that doesn’t mean they fit into my life, in fact they drain my life.

I’m tired of being drained… Always the fixer, always the person who does what I can even when I can’t . I love people so much and so easily, I may not open up to people easily but I feel for them very easily despite not being an open book. I’ve realized as much as it bothers me not to speak to people I have to take a step back, if they miss me they will be the one that starts putting effort in. They will reach out, They will forgive, and they will take accountability and ask for forgiveness. They will bend over backwards.They will prioritize me in their life, and if they don’t .. What loss is it to me? Its not.

Sorry if this was all over the place and made zero sense , But sometimes getting my feelings out there into the world Makes me feel better and helps me stand by what I say.

Healing with anger

I read a quote the other day that said “It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from”

That resonated with me, and I’ve thought of it every day since then . I realized I am at times angry about things I thought I moved past , some things I haven’t thought about in a while . I realized I feel like this because the more you learn about something the more you realized how fucked up it was . For instance I was reading a thread about domestic abuse, I always thought domestic abuse was someone beating you up until a few years ago , I never really thought about verbal , mental , emotional abuse as abuse . If I’m being honest I was so ignorant and so abused as a child I thought it was “normal” and that people who complained about it were “fucking babies” needless to say as I got older , educated , and mature and learned how serious and deep abuse can run . So anyways then this thread talked about what to look for in a narcissist .

First I was like “I wonder if I’m a Fucking narcissist” I don’t THINK I am but who knows maybe someone else who’s come in contact with me would say I exhibited those traits . (Life is all about perception) I started thinking about a guy in my past and trust me I knew he was a mother fucker but not until I dove deep into this thread did I realize he was a full blown psychopath and narcissist. I started questioning myself wondering how I could be such a dumb ass and not see the signs right away .

Why did I let it get that far ? Why didn’t I say something ? Why wasn’t I tougher? Then I realized oh ya , I was 18 and homeless and he was 27 out of college , a white boy with money, and a family that loved him and he gave me a place to live . I looked up to him at first, he was older and seemed so well put together, he made me feel special at first. He made me feel like I could depend on him. He seemed like he wanted to be with me. He would talk about a future and a family with me. He knew all I wanted at that time was love and a sense of belonging.. he knew I needed family. That’s why I never said anything, that’s why I let him treat me any kind of way he wanted. I beat myself up for a days after reading this thread , I haven’t thought about him in years . I mean the things he would do and say to me I couldn’t even repeat because I’m to ashamed that I put up with that shit . He took advantage of my situation, the fact that I was a teenage girl with no family to lean on and no home .

It didn’t last long , you know why ? I was stronger than I gave myself credit for . I remember him waking up one morning and asking me if I could go somewhere for the day . I asked “why” obviously . He responded “Because I want this girl to come over” I stared at him and said “ok”. My eyes were full of tears I can still feel that heavy feeling in my chest when I think about that day” . So I packed up this big pink duffel bag that held my entire life in it and I left . No car , no money , no nothing . I knew I was leaving and never coming back , so did he , and he didn’t give a shit . That was the longest day of my life . I roamed around the streets of Los Angeles until I found a park . I sat in that park all day , and then I slept in that park all night .

Here’s how I’ll end this … there are mean people in this world , bad , terrible people who May disguise themselves as good at first . But I urge you all to know the signs of abuse , try not to enter into a power dynamic that could leave you flat on your ass. I know sometimes you have no choice because you have to survive, but if you can , try and educate yourself on it so you can see it coming miles away . Listen to your gut . For me this was a lesson but I experienced so many more before I realized that these men or women in some people’s cases were bad and learned to stay far away . You’ll have to experience a few bad apples as well , but the fewer the better .

“It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from” you were a victim . Your heart was broken , your soul was crushed . But you’re strong , your heart will heal, and your soul will glow again . I’m sending so much love to all of you .

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

https://www.womenshelters.org/

Allowing Love

The title says it all.. something that I’ve had such a difficult time with is allowing people to love me. I use to think people just didn’t for whatever reason, that somehow I was unlovable or men were just heartless pieces of shit. I have had so much fear and anxiety around being loved that in my mind I convinced myself someone doesn’t like me, they don’t care, they rather have someone else, I’m annoying, someone else is prettier with a better body, I seem like I don’t need anyone so they probably think I don’t. I mean I go over things in my head countless times all driven from a deep rooted insecurity. I have deep abandonment issues as well as an extremely hard time getting close to people because I’m so scared that it’ll hurt to much when they realize I’m not the person they want. Ive realized through self reflection and growth that’s not the case. Not only is that not the case, its not true.

Everyone is worthy of love. However I do believe you have to give it to get it. By that I mean you not only have to love people around you, you have to love YOURSELF. You have to love yourself so you can identify what kind of love you need and what real love feels like. Self-care isn’t just about face mask, hot baths, and pedicures , that all apart of it but self care is also mentally and emotionally stimulating yourself . You have to awaken your heart. You have to accept everything about yourself and realize its ok to be loved by not only others but by YOU.

What I’ve realized is desperation gets you nowhere, closing yourself off gets you nowhere, being afraid of being hurt gets you nowhere. I’ve had to let all of that go. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and for whatever reason made a decision. I literally said to myself “I’ve decided I want to be loved, I’ve decided I deserve love, and I’m going to allow it” this may seem corny as fuck but that’s exactly what happened . I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and myself only . I have changed so many parts of myself, from my mind to my body, and changing how I perceive myself inside and out. I am not all the way there yet, I will always be a work in progress but what I can say is I’m working on it ! Expecting perfection of myself just so I can be loved is unrealistic. I will never be perfect, I don’t need to be perfect in order to find the perfect person.

I believe the perfect person for me isn’t going to be perfection to everyone else, probably won’t even be perfection to themselves. The same way I won’t be. Thats ok. I don’t expect that. The same way they won’t expect that out of me. Its the imperfect parts of us that make us desirable. However don’t confuse these words with accepting toxic individuals. Thats how self love ties in. If you love yourself enough and know how to love yourself; you will know exactly what you DESERVE.

Here’s how I will end this.. Release whatever it is in your heart and head that makes you think you’re unlovable. Release your fear of love. Release the pain from past loves. Accept yourself the way you are. Accept that you will never be perfect to everyone but you’re perfect to yourself. Accept new love. Accept that love doesn’t always work out. Accept that love is a risk, but worth the reward. Invite love into your life and watch what happens.

Being Single

Now you know I love being single, I am the single fucking advocate , some other post I’ve written have been about finding love and companionship and that is a beautiful thing that I look forward too one day. But for all my single people… ENJOY this time!

Don’t sit and think about how much you want to be with someone day in and day out, because often times you end up settling because you’re becoming desperate !

I know , I know no-one wants to be called desperate , you think of yourself more as a hopeless romantic right? The word hopeless screams desperation unfortantely! What I’m trying to say is enjoy this time, enjoy whatever phase of your life you’re in. If you’re newly single, recently divorced, been single your entire life. Learn to enjoy this time by yourself and alone.

One day you will be talking to your good Judy on the phone about how much your partner is getting on your nerves and how much you want to ring their neck. LOL! You will reminisce on the days when you were single and all of the good times you had.

Go out, date, vibe with people . Enjoy the dating phase or the phase of not dating at all. We often times don’t live in the moment. We are constantly thinking about what we want instead of what we have, and it isn’t until later when we look back that we actually appreciate and miss the old days.

In conclusion I’m just saying it’s ok to look, to date, to even search! But it’s also ok to be single and it’s not a bad thing no matter what age you are. Take this time to enjoy YOU!

PS. The perfect person is out there for you.. The stars will align and they will find you when you least expect.

Self-Esteem

I found a new stretch mark on me this week. It’s about and inch long and right on the side of my boob. I’ve been obsessing over it. I raise my arms in all different directions to see what angles make it look better and make it look worse. I hate it. Now every time I take my shirt off I see this white stretch mark sitting right there on the side of my boob the boobs I use to love, the boobs I paid 7500 dollars for. The past few days i’ve been avoiding the mirror as much as possible when I’m naked. I get like this a week or two out of each month. My body image is crushed. I can’t stand to look at myself and when I do I want to crawl out of my skin. I find not just a few flaws but my entire being is just ugly to me.

I hate waking up and worrying about what I CAN’T eat, how much harder I should workout, getting a nose job, getting new clothes, changing my hair, being more successful, making more money, being a better person, trying a new skincare line to help my breakouts and dark marks. I haven’t always been like this. One day I just became this way. All of a sudden a few years ago I just experienced what seems to be serious self esteem issues. I gave into every insecurity a person could have and stopped enjoying things about myself . Now again I have weeks that I feel fine, I feel decent, cute and not half bad. However those feelings are becoming few and far between.

I wish I could end this blog post this week with encouraging words and me saying things to make myself or someone else feel better. That’s not the case. The truth is I think most of us will encounter self esteem issues and feel inadequate at times rather it be a physical issue , an emotional issue, mental issue , or financial issues. Insecurities can manifest itself in may different forms. I think being critical of yourself is beneficial in many ways, but I think theres a fine line of being critical and being negative and abusive to yourself.

The best thing I can do is work on it, because I never like to complain about an issue that I have no desire to fix. I have to use whatever avenues I can find to help build my confidence rather that be read, workout harder, blogs, podcast, meditation. I plan to try and work on my self esteem everyday so that I can accept myself . No matter what I do I’m always gonna be Alexis, I can’t climb out of my body and be someone else, I’m stuck with myself and I need to make my mind and body and enjoyable place to be stuck in.

Grieving the living

So let me start off by saying yesterday was the most random day of my life. I have been in rural Tennessee since the pandemic started and I had to leave the busy city of New York . ( oh how I miss it ) But my parents who live in Los Angeles suggested I come see them and spend the second half of my quarantine in LA. I most definitely wasn’t going to turn that offer down . I am here now, and Must say an ocean view and warm weather makes quarantine much easier to manage.

I boarded my flight yesterday from ATL to LAX. It wasn’t full at all and their were lots of empty seats and of course everyone was required to wear a mask. But under one particular persons mask I was able to make out some familiar eyes, and then familiar tattoos, and a familiar memory. It was my ex .

Now a little quick back story. I lost my virginity to him at 15 and we were in young love, which eventually grew into adult love. We ended our relationship 5 years ago and when we did we never spoke again. No calls, text, social media, nothing was exchanged. I moved out of the state so that I never had to endure the pain of running into him . That breakup devastated me like nothing else I’ve ever experienced and I’ve experienced a lot of shit. He moved on immediately after me and left me with a billion pieces to pick up. I went to Maine in a tiny cabin where I sobbed and had no access to the outside world. I eventually moved into my grandmothers in the middle of fucking Kansas and refused to eat or speak to anyone. I was less than 100 pounds at one point. I called psychics every night and tried to find clarity and understanding. I was broken .

Slowly I picked up the pieces over the years but always felt a little broken. It wasn’t until November 2019 only six months ago that I finally got rid of everything he ever gave me and things that reminded me of him. Trufthfully I never fully opened my heart up since that break up.

UNITL NOW

I got off the plane and made up my mind I was going to go up to him and speak after a four hour plane ride debating if I had it in me to do so. I walked up to him at baggage claim and said “hi”. Sweats on , tank top, no makeup and messy bun. This was not exactly how I pictured running into him . OH and believe me I’ve pictured it many times. He responded with hello and I could tell he was extremely shocked. Our conversation lasted 20 seconds. I basically just said I wanted to say hi and I hope he is well . He said the same, then we went our separate ways. As I walked away I never felt so happy and light. I felt nothing for him. Not a thing for this man that I spent years feeling empty from losing him. I was free you guys. Understand my words, I was FREE. Free from wondering, free from feeling like I failed at a relationship, free from wondering why not me, and free from him. I don’t believe in organized religion . It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. But I believe in god and the universe . The odds of me running into this person on a plane in a city I don’t live in during a pandemic are slim to none. God did that for me. He gave me such a beautiful and much needed blessing. He gave me closure. But most of all he gave me peace.

Time heals all wounds. It’s so hard to believe that when you’re going through a hard time that feels like their is no end in sight. I never thought I would recover from the pain I felt, or that I would find anyone and if I did would I be able to give my heart to them fully. I can tell you 100% there is love after loss. There is forgiveness , there is understanding, there is someone else. Trust the process, trust yourself and trust whatever higher power or energy you believe in. Life goes on.

Ive never felt better and been happier . That 1 in a million experience is something I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

I am healed.

Finally.

Self-Isolation : Coronavirus Quarantine

If you live on planet earth then you probably are familiar with the fucking coronavirus ! Well about 8 weeks ago I left the busy city of New York to fly down to Chattanooga, Tennessee and self isolate with my best friend . Given that my job in New York closed and the city has become the epicenter for the virus I got the hell out of there before it was too late .

I must say it’s been a stressful 8 weeks . I’ve gone through so many phases . The shocked phase, the fearful phase worrying about my family and people all over the world and how it would effect them , the conspiracy phase , and the horny and irritated phase !

I am officially tired of being inside ! The weather is getting warmer , the days are longer , and I’m ready to get back out there ! I wanna go on dates , I wanna share a cigarette outside of a bar with my friends, I wanna call up one of my hookup buddies at 2 in the morning and ask if I can come over . Never did I imagine I would be sitting inside of a house with no clear idea as to when this will all end . But I’m thankful . I’m thankful to everyone who reached out , I’m thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones , I’m thankful for Instagram live , alcohol, weed, and porn . This is a difficult time for us all .. some much more than others . But I think this has taught a lot of us to appreciate life more , and understand how delicate and fragile it is , and to say yes more often when friends ask you to hangout , call your family more , and take nothing for granted .

Loss of sexual interest

I have recently been overwhelmed with the idea of losing sexual interest with your partner. Now currently I don’t have an exclusive partner but I do have people I see on a regular basis and we have a sexual relationship. We do other shit and of course I’m attracted to them in other ways than sex but I don’t see myself wanting a marriage or kids with them. Anyways Ive had these kind of “hookups” or casual sex for the past 5 years I’ve been single and even before my relationship. For whatever reason 95% of these kind of just fade out. I LOSE INTEREST! I just wonder why? I still like them on a personal level but for whatever reason I just get tired of having sex with them. It starts to feel like a chore, and even worse the thought of it makes me cringe. I wish I knew why I suddenly lose interest. Or lose interest to the extent of just literally not even wanting a person to touch me, and find myself on the prowl for something new and exciting . Now when I was with my ex I loved him, like an obsessive kind of love. It Felt like I couldn’t live without him. I loved having sex, even when we were mad at each other I still wanted to have sex, which isn’t like me but I wanted that closeness with him. So that makes me think.. maybe if I love someone enough I won’t lose interest in them sexually and want to explore other options. Or maybe that strong love and desire with someone I love will also fade like it does in most marriages and long term commitments. Or maybe I’m a sex addict and always lookin for a new rush with someone new and exciting. Or maybe I’m scared of commitment and won’t love someone enough to actually want to put the effort in and not let It just die. I wish I knew. But I don’t. I would really love feedback on this one and opinions from people with the same or different perspective. Leave them below or inbox me on instagram.