What If…

Often times we only think of “what if” In a negative context, but what if you do get that job? What if you do find that dream guy or girl? What if you do win? What if you are perfect for that person? What if we started only speaking positivity into ourselves?

I lived a life of what if’s , always stemming from anxiety. I let myself down before anyone else could, I thought I was protecting my “ego”, truth is I was stripping away my confidence, self esteem, and my spirit. I had to remove my ego from myself and find something greater than me. You see it’s almost as if I didn’t want to win, I was afraid that things might actually go my way and if they didn’t I didn’t have the ability to handle it or cope because I never prepared myself emotionally and mentally because I never tried . I mean this in a number of ways, some things I knew I was good at and came naturally so those things I wasn’t afraid of. Love however didn’t come as easy, it scared me so bad . The fear of someone loving me and someone not loving me was exhausting.

Imagine being terrified of the only thing that actually matters In this life. If I was scared to love others what did that mean for myself? I didn’t love me. In fact I overcompensated for my self hate. I was overtly sexual, always needed to be the center of attention, drank to feel superior, I was critical of everyone around me in order to avoid being critical of myself. See the truth is what you hate in others is sometimes what you hate in yourself , Everything you say to them or about them is what you wanna say to yourself.

Every single fucking day I have to work towards loving who I am, forgiving myself for who I use to be, and realizing how deserving I am of all the things I want. We are all deserving of anything and everything and not a single person deserves more or less. What if we stopped worrying about everyone else’s life and poured into ourselves? What if we forgave ourselves and extended that forgiveness to others so that we could be better and move forward? What if we loved ourself as much as we love others? What if we deserve to be happy?

Food for thought

This post was just me rambling about things on my mind, thank you for those who always read. I’m sending you all love and positivity. You deserve any and everything you want in this life, don’t run from life like I have, run towards it.

No matter where you go in this world it won’t fix you, because you still have to bring yourself

How do you mend a broken heart?

With peace and love, the first heart break I’ve ever felt came from my parents. They did it so effortlessly and without even acknowledging it. I then continued to experience hardships and pain with no one to turn to. I walked through a life carrying the broken pieces of me and the pain of my past that I then went out into the world and I began to bleed on people who didn’t cut me.

Pain became the only way I knew how to experience not only love but life. The only familiar consistent feeling I knew was pain and the only way I knew how to express it was through anger because my tears were never greeted with love and comfort.

Maybe your heart was broken by a significant other, a friend, a parent, grandparent, sibling, ect.. If your heart is heavy right now I understand that feeling all to well, you have to make yourself whole again and here’s why.

Iv’e now experienced a life filled with a heavy heart and iv’e experienced one with a full heart, an open heart, and a loving one. I cannot explain how freeing it is to rid yourself of that hurt. Depending on how deep your trauma is and how heartbreaking your experience was will take years of mending. There will be moments you’ll breakdown listening to a song, You’ll cry in the shower, on your way to work, you’ll wish bad on that person who hurt you, you’ll feel like you haven’t said you piece, and you’ll get upset all over again thinking about it. These things are normal and will come and go, they take time. You have to learn to give yourself grace each and everyday. There are days I’m not my best and I have to correct myself in certain moments and apologize instantly for saying something hateful. Again even learning to do that took years. It’s a process.

How do you mend your broken heart?

Time .

You have to patiently and gently collect the pieces of yourself and put them back together. I am happy I experienced pain because it made love so special and so unique. Love isn’t suppose to hurt. I am in no way religious but the Bible says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

You mend your broken heart by being all of those things. You do not wait to receive love in order to exhibit love. You will not heal in someone else, no one can save you from yourself. You have to be everything you wish to have and you will receive it. You will not be perfect, no one expects that from you. It will take time, it will be something you have to work on the rest of your life. But it is the only way . It may seem like I’m putting all the work on you as if there isn’t a reason you feel like this and are like this. The truth is I can only help the person reading this and you can only help and control yourself. We can’t change the people who did this, nor should we have to carry their burdens. Hurt people, hurt people. They may never want to change or care to, but that doesn’t have to be who you become.

Cry when you need to cry. Get upset when you need to get upset, breakdown when you need to breakdown. But what you CANNOT and WILL NOT do is bleed on others. You cannot hurt people, you cannot become the villain in your story and in someone else’s. Your heart can be mended and it will be, give yourself grace and radiate love and everything that love is and your life will change. Your future self will wake up one day, look back, and realize what a completely different person you use to be.

27

Today is my 27th birthday, first off not to be dramatic but as a child I never would of dreamed I would make it to 27. I am so thankful I did. This year has been weird with the pandemic and world events that have taken place but it was a really great one.

I lost 30 pounds , I started taking care of myself mentally and physically, I live in beautiful New York and I’m blossoming. The person I use to be wasn’t always calm, cool, and collected . Nor was she grateful. I went through most of my life defensive and like a hurricane ready to wreck every and anything in my path. It was kill or be killed for, survival of the fittest you could say.

The older I’ve gotten I’ve learned to soften myself , let down my guards, accept things that I cannot change and genuinely change the things I cannot accept.

Over 100 people wished me a happy birthday today. I was overwhelmed with emotion, their were people Ive never met messaging me saying how much I inspire them to be themselves and how much they look up to me, as well as people I know and love saying the exact things. Saying that me ‘Alexis’ is their role model . It made me think maybe I haven’t been the wrecking ball I thought I was all these years.

I am filled with gratitude and love. The life position I am in at 27 feels as if I’m exactly where I need to be , and I will continue to grow and move in the direction that is meant for me.

Cheers to many more, and thank you god for the years you’ve already given me.

So you think you aren’t worthy?

It’s easy to get lost in the world of not only social media but the real world. However; before the internet your pick of the litter only came from people you physically met , unless you were prison pin pals lol. So I think its safe to say we all feel threatened and insecure at times. We know that people can go on their phone and have 30 different apps that connect them with millions of people. Rather it be dating apps or social media apps. 

It’s easy to get inside your head about all the beautiful or handsome people out there that they could be talking to or better yet to put it simply , comparing you to. Human nature is to want more, to just take a peek and SEE if the grass is greener. Ninety percent of us want someone we are attracted to or for that matter want someone FINE as hell . So its easy to be casually dating an attractive person, who seems pretty cool and fun and still be looking. 

Why is it so hard to focus on one person at a time? Now I whole heartedly believe no-one should settle for anything less than what they want. Even if the things they want happen to be extremely shallow (which isn’t the case for most People) but some people lack substance so they genuinely could give a fuck less about the inside. ( fuck those people but all power to them ) Anyways to all my readers with real feelings let me tell you I’ll be the first to admit I not only have been the person for five years looking for greener grass but also I’ve been overlooked. 

I recently was out on a date with someone I liked and their phone was blowing up with hinge notifications . At that moment it suddenly dawned on me that everyone else is looking for the same thing . I felt somewhat helpless In a sense. Not to be dramatic but I just did. It felt like at that moment there’s nothing I could do to feel worthy

A few days went by and I kept thinking of that guy on more dates, doing the same romantic things, saying the same shit, and taking them the same places. Those few days I felt sad, insecure, misunderstood , and unlovable. I started criticizing myself. Needless to say I snapped out of it and remembered who the fuck I am. I AM worthy. There will always be prettier people, smarter , more fun, “better” body, and more charismatic . But their will NEVER be anyone like me , or like you. Let’s be honest most of us didn’t fall in love in love before with the hottest person on earth. Yet we found our partner more desirable than anyone. We didn’t care about them being perfect, we liked how imperfect they were. We loved their spirit, energy, looks, vibes, how they made us feel, the connection. 

We are ALL worthy. We all have something to contribute and to give to the world and to a partner that no-one else has. We are all unique. Someone will love us for who we are despite the fact that they have millions of options, despite the fact that we aren’t perfect, or maybe don’t look like the typical beauty standards. Your perfect person isn’t comparing you to anyone else because you’ve already won. The same way you aren’t comparing them, you could give a fuck who else exist because at the end of the day when you’re scrolling through your phone , past all the social media men and women, they’re perfect to you, they’re what you think about from dusk till dawn. 

YOU are worthy

Being Vulnerable

Some of us have no problem at all being vulnerable while others like myself struggle with it. I have noticed that men especially have a much harder time more often than not with being vulnerable than most women do . That of course has to do with society for the most part .

My struggle with vulnerability partly has to do with my personality and partly with a deep fear of rejection or pain. If you’ve read my post then it comes as no surprise that emotions outside of anger and emotionless are hard for me to express . Last night I thought to myself ‘Why not just be real and see what happens’ . As quickly as that thought entered my mind it also fleeted just as fast .

I have questions I want to ask and for the most part I ask basic surface level ones . But for some reason I have a hard time asking for what I want out of people . Just completely opening up being VULNERABLE and just saying what it is I want or asking what it is the other person is feeling . I don’t want to know the answer because I’m afraid it’ll be something painful or just not enough . But again I think to myself ‘Why not get the answer so you can move on , why keep wasting time ‘ . I always thought what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me , but it in fact it hurts me deeply not knowing where people stand .

I want to be vulnerable more and more each day . I want to be so secure in myself and my ability to be resilient despite how upsetting or hurtful it can be to open up . I also want to believe that not every outcome will be bad , that being open can lead to good things . I want to believe that vulnerability can strengthen my current relationships and create future ones .

I became to comfortable in being perceived as cold and uninterested that I actually started to become that in a lot of ways , it was no longer a perception of me but the reality . I tell myself all the time “fuck it , who cares , move on” . That is not the person I wish to be , nor has it helped me in anyway. I watched people I loved create happiness all around them and bask in beautiful relationships because I didn’t want to ask for it . I watched them detach and walk away . I rather have these uncomfortable conversations with no clue what the outcome will be than to not have them at all and be left wondering what it could of been .

To all those struggling with opening yourself up … Just do it .

Diary Entry

This week I had something I wanted to write about but I couldnt form a thought or sentence. I just could not focus on the topic I wanted to talk about for the life of me. So instead I figured I would write about how I’m feeling and I’m sure you all will be able to relate.

You ever feel like you’re the one who always reaches out to people? Always forgives people? Always the one who bends over backwards? The supportive one? The understanding one? Me too! I spent so many years thinking I was the one always at fault because I’ve always had a dominant personality and I can come across as rude or cold, or hard to get to know. Therefore a few years ago this guilt sank in and I wanted to be different and wanted to change my image or how people perceived me. So I became a doormat, always saying yes to things I wanted to say no to, always working it out with people who deep down I had no desire to even want to be around, always being the apologizer and taking accountability while also CHANGING my behavior while the other party stayed the same.

So it left me feeling weak and submissive. Now compared to the average person I probably wouldn’t ever be perceived as weak but compared to the person I was before, I most definitely am. Now granted I wanted to change, I needed to change. I in no way was perfect and had deep anger issues and could not control my mouth. But some things about me should of stayed the same. Like not giving people a million chances, or to stop reaching out to people who don’t give a shit if i’m alive and well. I need to stop being so fucking understanding to people who blame their fucked up behaviors on having a bad week or day, especially considering they have a bad week every other fucking week. Yet are so normal and completely fine to everyone else. I understand people go through shit but that doesn’t mean they fit into my life, in fact they drain my life.

I’m tired of being drained… Always the fixer, always the person who does what I can even when I can’t . I love people so much and so easily, I may not open up to people easily but I feel for them very easily despite not being an open book. I’ve realized as much as it bothers me not to speak to people I have to take a step back, if they miss me they will be the one that starts putting effort in. They will reach out, They will forgive, and they will take accountability and ask for forgiveness. They will bend over backwards.They will prioritize me in their life, and if they don’t .. What loss is it to me? Its not.

Sorry if this was all over the place and made zero sense , But sometimes getting my feelings out there into the world Makes me feel better and helps me stand by what I say.

Healing with anger

I read a quote the other day that said “It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from”

That resonated with me, and I’ve thought of it every day since then . I realized I am at times angry about things I thought I moved past , some things I haven’t thought about in a while . I realized I feel like this because the more you learn about something the more you realized how fucked up it was . For instance I was reading a thread about domestic abuse, I always thought domestic abuse was someone beating you up until a few years ago , I never really thought about verbal , mental , emotional abuse as abuse . If I’m being honest I was so ignorant and so abused as a child I thought it was “normal” and that people who complained about it were “fucking babies” needless to say as I got older , educated , and mature and learned how serious and deep abuse can run . So anyways then this thread talked about what to look for in a narcissist .

First I was like “I wonder if I’m a Fucking narcissist” I don’t THINK I am but who knows maybe someone else who’s come in contact with me would say I exhibited those traits . (Life is all about perception) I started thinking about a guy in my past and trust me I knew he was a mother fucker but not until I dove deep into this thread did I realize he was a full blown psychopath and narcissist. I started questioning myself wondering how I could be such a dumb ass and not see the signs right away .

Why did I let it get that far ? Why didn’t I say something ? Why wasn’t I tougher? Then I realized oh ya , I was 18 and homeless and he was 27 out of college , a white boy with money, and a family that loved him and he gave me a place to live . I looked up to him at first, he was older and seemed so well put together, he made me feel special at first. He made me feel like I could depend on him. He seemed like he wanted to be with me. He would talk about a future and a family with me. He knew all I wanted at that time was love and a sense of belonging.. he knew I needed family. That’s why I never said anything, that’s why I let him treat me any kind of way he wanted. I beat myself up for a days after reading this thread , I haven’t thought about him in years . I mean the things he would do and say to me I couldn’t even repeat because I’m to ashamed that I put up with that shit . He took advantage of my situation, the fact that I was a teenage girl with no family to lean on and no home .

It didn’t last long , you know why ? I was stronger than I gave myself credit for . I remember him waking up one morning and asking me if I could go somewhere for the day . I asked “why” obviously . He responded “Because I want this girl to come over” I stared at him and said “ok”. My eyes were full of tears I can still feel that heavy feeling in my chest when I think about that day” . So I packed up this big pink duffel bag that held my entire life in it and I left . No car , no money , no nothing . I knew I was leaving and never coming back , so did he , and he didn’t give a shit . That was the longest day of my life . I roamed around the streets of Los Angeles until I found a park . I sat in that park all day , and then I slept in that park all night .

Here’s how I’ll end this … there are mean people in this world , bad , terrible people who May disguise themselves as good at first . But I urge you all to know the signs of abuse , try not to enter into a power dynamic that could leave you flat on your ass. I know sometimes you have no choice because you have to survive, but if you can , try and educate yourself on it so you can see it coming miles away . Listen to your gut . For me this was a lesson but I experienced so many more before I realized that these men or women in some people’s cases were bad and learned to stay far away . You’ll have to experience a few bad apples as well , but the fewer the better .

“It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from” you were a victim . Your heart was broken , your soul was crushed . But you’re strong , your heart will heal, and your soul will glow again . I’m sending so much love to all of you .

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

https://www.womenshelters.org/

Allowing Love

The title says it all.. something that I’ve had such a difficult time with is allowing people to love me. I use to think people just didn’t for whatever reason, that somehow I was unlovable or men were just heartless pieces of shit. I have had so much fear and anxiety around being loved that in my mind I convinced myself someone doesn’t like me, they don’t care, they rather have someone else, I’m annoying, someone else is prettier with a better body, I seem like I don’t need anyone so they probably think I don’t. I mean I go over things in my head countless times all driven from a deep rooted insecurity. I have deep abandonment issues as well as an extremely hard time getting close to people because I’m so scared that it’ll hurt to much when they realize I’m not the person they want. Ive realized through self reflection and growth that’s not the case. Not only is that not the case, its not true.

Everyone is worthy of love. However I do believe you have to give it to get it. By that I mean you not only have to love people around you, you have to love YOURSELF. You have to love yourself so you can identify what kind of love you need and what real love feels like. Self-care isn’t just about face mask, hot baths, and pedicures , that all apart of it but self care is also mentally and emotionally stimulating yourself . You have to awaken your heart. You have to accept everything about yourself and realize its ok to be loved by not only others but by YOU.

What I’ve realized is desperation gets you nowhere, closing yourself off gets you nowhere, being afraid of being hurt gets you nowhere. I’ve had to let all of that go. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and for whatever reason made a decision. I literally said to myself “I’ve decided I want to be loved, I’ve decided I deserve love, and I’m going to allow it” this may seem corny as fuck but that’s exactly what happened . I have spent the last few months focusing on myself and myself only . I have changed so many parts of myself, from my mind to my body, and changing how I perceive myself inside and out. I am not all the way there yet, I will always be a work in progress but what I can say is I’m working on it ! Expecting perfection of myself just so I can be loved is unrealistic. I will never be perfect, I don’t need to be perfect in order to find the perfect person.

I believe the perfect person for me isn’t going to be perfection to everyone else, probably won’t even be perfection to themselves. The same way I won’t be. Thats ok. I don’t expect that. The same way they won’t expect that out of me. Its the imperfect parts of us that make us desirable. However don’t confuse these words with accepting toxic individuals. Thats how self love ties in. If you love yourself enough and know how to love yourself; you will know exactly what you DESERVE.

Here’s how I will end this.. Release whatever it is in your heart and head that makes you think you’re unlovable. Release your fear of love. Release the pain from past loves. Accept yourself the way you are. Accept that you will never be perfect to everyone but you’re perfect to yourself. Accept new love. Accept that love doesn’t always work out. Accept that love is a risk, but worth the reward. Invite love into your life and watch what happens.

Being Single

Now you know I love being single, I am the single fucking advocate , some other post I’ve written have been about finding love and companionship and that is a beautiful thing that I look forward too one day. But for all my single people… ENJOY this time!

Don’t sit and think about how much you want to be with someone day in and day out, because often times you end up settling because you’re becoming desperate !

I know , I know no-one wants to be called desperate , you think of yourself more as a hopeless romantic right? The word hopeless screams desperation unfortantely! What I’m trying to say is enjoy this time, enjoy whatever phase of your life you’re in. If you’re newly single, recently divorced, been single your entire life. Learn to enjoy this time by yourself and alone.

One day you will be talking to your good Judy on the phone about how much your partner is getting on your nerves and how much you want to ring their neck. LOL! You will reminisce on the days when you were single and all of the good times you had.

Go out, date, vibe with people . Enjoy the dating phase or the phase of not dating at all. We often times don’t live in the moment. We are constantly thinking about what we want instead of what we have, and it isn’t until later when we look back that we actually appreciate and miss the old days.

In conclusion I’m just saying it’s ok to look, to date, to even search! But it’s also ok to be single and it’s not a bad thing no matter what age you are. Take this time to enjoy YOU!

PS. The perfect person is out there for you.. The stars will align and they will find you when you least expect.

Self-Esteem

I found a new stretch mark on me this week. It’s about and inch long and right on the side of my boob. I’ve been obsessing over it. I raise my arms in all different directions to see what angles make it look better and make it look worse. I hate it. Now every time I take my shirt off I see this white stretch mark sitting right there on the side of my boob the boobs I use to love, the boobs I paid 7500 dollars for. The past few days i’ve been avoiding the mirror as much as possible when I’m naked. I get like this a week or two out of each month. My body image is crushed. I can’t stand to look at myself and when I do I want to crawl out of my skin. I find not just a few flaws but my entire being is just ugly to me.

I hate waking up and worrying about what I CAN’T eat, how much harder I should workout, getting a nose job, getting new clothes, changing my hair, being more successful, making more money, being a better person, trying a new skincare line to help my breakouts and dark marks. I haven’t always been like this. One day I just became this way. All of a sudden a few years ago I just experienced what seems to be serious self esteem issues. I gave into every insecurity a person could have and stopped enjoying things about myself . Now again I have weeks that I feel fine, I feel decent, cute and not half bad. However those feelings are becoming few and far between.

I wish I could end this blog post this week with encouraging words and me saying things to make myself or someone else feel better. That’s not the case. The truth is I think most of us will encounter self esteem issues and feel inadequate at times rather it be a physical issue , an emotional issue, mental issue , or financial issues. Insecurities can manifest itself in may different forms. I think being critical of yourself is beneficial in many ways, but I think theres a fine line of being critical and being negative and abusive to yourself.

The best thing I can do is work on it, because I never like to complain about an issue that I have no desire to fix. I have to use whatever avenues I can find to help build my confidence rather that be read, workout harder, blogs, podcast, meditation. I plan to try and work on my self esteem everyday so that I can accept myself . No matter what I do I’m always gonna be Alexis, I can’t climb out of my body and be someone else, I’m stuck with myself and I need to make my mind and body and enjoyable place to be stuck in.