SingleSexy&Sober

Never in a million years would I think I be six months sober, actually rewind. NEVER in my life did I even think I would NEED to get sober, in fact I judged others for the amount they did or didn’t drink, for the way they behaved when they did, and I assumed I was nothing like that. I thought I didn’t have a problem because I didn’t drink everyday and I hear that a lot in the rooms of AA. It’s a common misconception that an alcoholic drinks everyday, that they feen for their next drink, that they have trouble functioning. I’m here to tell you that is not true.

In fact most alcoholics who are only addicted to the drink can function. People you least expect are functioning alcoholics. As for me I never drank everyday, granted I would have days that I would drink every night and then I wouldn’t , however I always thought about the drink . Any celebration “where’s the alcohol?” , any vacation “where’s the fucking alcohol?” , when I’m sad “where’s the alcohol?” Oh my happy hour ?? “Let’s drink”

That obsession to alcohol was always in me even when I didn’t quite realize it yet . I told my sponsor I was addicted to alcohol I just didn’t know how to act once I consumed it … she said “great so quitting will be easy” it absolutely wasn’t . See at first I was up for the challenge , excited about this new way of life , having a new community , just like having a newborn baby that excitement (the pink cloud) we call it dies down and the hard work sets in . I was absolutely Fucking insane the first 60 days. Dream after dream about drinking and suddenly waking up thanking god it wasn’t real .

When I drank it was in excess… I couldn’t quite understand how people casually sipped alcohol , socially drank . I drank to get drunk , to get absolutely wasted and see where the night takes me . I drank on dates to ensure my confidence , I drank at the gym to take away the annoyance of the workout, I drank at happy hour just to be apart of something . It’s not how often I drank or how much I consumed that made me an alcoholic it’s how I behaved when I drank .

I think we have this idea that we are suppose to act crazy when we drink , that, that behavior is normal and acceptable when you’re intoxicated. The way I behaved was an entirely different human no matter what liquor, beer , or wine I consumed. I had an allergy to alcohol and it made me crazy .

I won’t dive into the dark parts of my drinking and the roads it lead me down , there’s a time and place and I’ll save that for my book . I will tell you I got tired of myself , my insanity , my inability to deal with issues without alcohol , my inability to have fun without alcohol , who I became when I was drinking … I just got tired and I knew it was time to walk away. I had to put down the bottle , so I did. While it hasn’t been easy , and temptation lurks around every corner , I’m happier than I’ve ever been . The best decision I ever made for myself was getting sober . I’m far more confident, nicer , spiritual, loving , I care more about those around me , I’m happy, and I’m content . All I can say is cheers (with my seltzer water) to six months.

Step 2 – “came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”

Lies keep us sick

I’m sitting in Brooklyn , NY where I live … staring at the water , enjoying the sunset , lights , and people . Thinking about how I only wished I would live here one day , that I would have this life . Now I do and I attained it by being honest about where I was in order to get to where I am, I called myself out on my bullshit .

I lived a life before now full of lies , having to lie as a child for my mother and then carried those lies into my adulthood to protect myself , manipulate others , and keep me safe (So I thought) but really it was pathological, embedded in my DNA .

TRUTH is lies keep us sick … they create a deep inability to attach . I rather someone hate me for the truth than love me for a lie . Lies make sense to us in the moment when we are telling them and the truth seems impossible to roll off our tongues in moments of distress . Depending on our situations the truth can be scary, even terrifying. We are scared of what we may lose , so we rather keep it by lying .

Lying doesn’t only hurt others but it hurts us , when we start to lie so much we start believing our lies , making it hard to differentiate our realities . You’ve told others so many lies and your self that it becomes second nature , like breathing . We unintentionally start creating a reality around us and the people involved that is not true , that is not real . The anxiety that comes with that for most of us is unbearable , because everything done in the dark must come to the light so here we are waiting for our bullshit to be exposed … any day now .

How can we love unconditionally based on lies ? How can we have unwavering loyalty based off lies? How can we trust ? How can we communicate which is the basis of relationships, we lay our foundation with the truth , that is the number one building block , if it’s not the truth then it’s a facade waiting to be exposed . By lying you create broken relationships before they have a chance .

Now I won’t sit here and say I don’t lie , anyone who says they don’t , the truth is not in them . However it’s important to admit your lies at some point and reconcile , admit them to the person you’ve lied to , to yourself , and to god . You have one shot at this life… only one , use this time wisely , use it to comfort others , to help and not harm. Set aside your childish cowardly ways and step into your truth for “the truth shall set u free”

Why aren’t you perfect?

I’ve talked about my imperfections time and time again, so it’s no secret that I am far from perfect like most of us. I’ve done shit that I could barely admit to myself let alone another person. So why do I expect such flawlessness out of my partner? Why do I expect him to be perfect?

Someone once told me what we hate in other people is really what we hate in ourselves. I sit here and preach about loving people unconditionally regardless of their past, what they have and have not done is not important if they no longer have those character defects. There’s a saying in AA humbly asking god to remove our shortcomings, we pray that he remove every single character defect, and he will but not without us willing to change. See my character defects are the judgement of others while expecting not to be judged .

I’ve changed a lot from the savage I use to be, I found every possible way to put my partner down for his past, I would cut him with my tongue like a knife. Why? because I was projecting my feelings towards myself, and my past onto him. It took me maturing and therapy to figure all that out of course. All the problems I’ve learned to address within myself has taken years and will continue to take years .

I caught myself thinking and acting a little bit like my old self, this idea that somehow I am above others because my past no longer haunts me, because I didn’t carry baggage into my current life. That’s not true. Maybe my baggage isn’t a felony, isn’t kids by different people, isn’t a messy divorce, isn’t anything tangible, but its there. My baggage is my inability to drink, the fact that I’m in AA, its the fact that I go to therapy couple times a month, it’s the 6 pills I take everyday for my mental health, it’s my panic attacks that disrupt me living a normal life. So who the fuck am I to judge a person for their baggage? How is theirs better or worse than mine? It’s just simply their unique individual past.

Truth is life is messy, people are a mess, and sometimes we aren’t pretty, neither are the things we have done, but thats ok. Of course I will still have unpleasant negative ass thoughts, as well as flaws of my own, but it’s important to stop and recognize them and give your partner grace, allow them to be imperfect and to grow from that, allow them to at least try to love you like you should be loved, and overcome their past and all its obstacles.

” We do not regret our past, nor do we wish to shut the door on it”

Comfort in being alone

A lot of those who read my blog know how long I’ve been alone (single) but for those who don’t its been 6 years and most of my adult life, however thats not relevant to what I’m writing today. My isolation started from when I was a child. I’ve always been extremely independent even having a bunch of siblings I learned how to live in close quarters with them but still found solitude. I would go in the bathroom for hours and sing, draw, or write . I would go outside, Or I could be in a room full of people and day dream and just let my mind take me some place else. With a childhood of chaos and abuse I naturally learned to disassociate.

So whats wrong with being comfortable alone? Absolutely nothing, until you become like me. Humans and most living species in general are meant to be around others. We are meant to feel love, we started in tribes and small groups and took care of each other. Hence why they say “It takes a village” because it does. We as people are not meant to live in isolation, we need human contact to remain sane, emotionally in touch and mature, as well as many other psychological and physiological needs.

While I’m extremely comfortable being alone , at times it worries me. Everything I do I intentionally do alone. I use to feel bad for myself and think no-one wanted to hang with me or be with me, truth is they do and I make every excuse to not hang out. I’m sure so many of you are like that as well. I travel alone, go to lunch, movies, games, parks, beaches, legitimately everything I do, I do alone. I never thought about it or cared really until I got older and realized I needed to build bonds with people and put myself out there more, and especially If I want a relationship and family one day I literally have to learn to be comfortable with others.

It’s okay to be comfortable alone and it’s a positive thing because it teaches you independence and I have the ability to not NEED someone out of desperation or loneliness, but want them because they’re the right person to share my time with. However life is about balance. I can be an independent, strong woman, with a man by my side or with people who are there for me to lean on when I need it. It’s okay to need people and to find comfort in other people other than your self.

A lot of blogs, relationship experts and books write to the women who are co-dependent but rarely do I see anyone writing about the women who are opposite of that, who have a hard time asking for help, trusting, being soft, being sensitive, being gentle. I’m writing to the women like me today. There’s nothing wrong with you and you’ve done so much alone and can do anything you want by yourself, but don’t be scared to let your guard down and lean on someone else, maybe it doesn’t work out but eventually it will and its okay to be vulnerable , there’s so much strength in vulnerability . Be gentle.

What If…

Often times we only think of “what if” In a negative context, but what if you do get that job? What if you do find that dream guy or girl? What if you do win? What if you are perfect for that person? What if we started only speaking positivity into ourselves?

I lived a life of what if’s , always stemming from anxiety. I let myself down before anyone else could, I thought I was protecting my “ego”, truth is I was stripping away my confidence, self esteem, and my spirit. I had to remove my ego from myself and find something greater than me. You see it’s almost as if I didn’t want to win, I was afraid that things might actually go my way and if they didn’t I didn’t have the ability to handle it or cope because I never prepared myself emotionally and mentally because I never tried . I mean this in a number of ways, some things I knew I was good at and came naturally so those things I wasn’t afraid of. Love however didn’t come as easy, it scared me so bad . The fear of someone loving me and someone not loving me was exhausting.

Imagine being terrified of the only thing that actually matters In this life. If I was scared to love others what did that mean for myself? I didn’t love me. In fact I overcompensated for my self hate. I was overtly sexual, always needed to be the center of attention, drank to feel superior, I was critical of everyone around me in order to avoid being critical of myself. See the truth is what you hate in others is sometimes what you hate in yourself , Everything you say to them or about them is what you wanna say to yourself.

Every single fucking day I have to work towards loving who I am, forgiving myself for who I use to be, and realizing how deserving I am of all the things I want. We are all deserving of anything and everything and not a single person deserves more or less. What if we stopped worrying about everyone else’s life and poured into ourselves? What if we forgave ourselves and extended that forgiveness to others so that we could be better and move forward? What if we loved ourself as much as we love others? What if we deserve to be happy?

Food for thought

This post was just me rambling about things on my mind, thank you for those who always read. I’m sending you all love and positivity. You deserve any and everything you want in this life, don’t run from life like I have, run towards it.

No matter where you go in this world it won’t fix you, because you still have to bring yourself

How do you mend a broken heart?

With peace and love, the first heart break I’ve ever felt came from my parents. They did it so effortlessly and without even acknowledging it. I then continued to experience hardships and pain with no one to turn to. I walked through a life carrying the broken pieces of me and the pain of my past that I then went out into the world and I began to bleed on people who didn’t cut me.

Pain became the only way I knew how to experience not only love but life. The only familiar consistent feeling I knew was pain and the only way I knew how to express it was through anger because my tears were never greeted with love and comfort.

Maybe your heart was broken by a significant other, a friend, a parent, grandparent, sibling, ect.. If your heart is heavy right now I understand that feeling all to well, you have to make yourself whole again and here’s why.

Iv’e now experienced a life filled with a heavy heart and iv’e experienced one with a full heart, an open heart, and a loving one. I cannot explain how freeing it is to rid yourself of that hurt. Depending on how deep your trauma is and how heartbreaking your experience was will take years of mending. There will be moments you’ll breakdown listening to a song, You’ll cry in the shower, on your way to work, you’ll wish bad on that person who hurt you, you’ll feel like you haven’t said you piece, and you’ll get upset all over again thinking about it. These things are normal and will come and go, they take time. You have to learn to give yourself grace each and everyday. There are days I’m not my best and I have to correct myself in certain moments and apologize instantly for saying something hateful. Again even learning to do that took years. It’s a process.

How do you mend your broken heart?

Time .

You have to patiently and gently collect the pieces of yourself and put them back together. I am happy I experienced pain because it made love so special and so unique. Love isn’t suppose to hurt. I am in no way religious but the Bible says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

You mend your broken heart by being all of those things. You do not wait to receive love in order to exhibit love. You will not heal in someone else, no one can save you from yourself. You have to be everything you wish to have and you will receive it. You will not be perfect, no one expects that from you. It will take time, it will be something you have to work on the rest of your life. But it is the only way . It may seem like I’m putting all the work on you as if there isn’t a reason you feel like this and are like this. The truth is I can only help the person reading this and you can only help and control yourself. We can’t change the people who did this, nor should we have to carry their burdens. Hurt people, hurt people. They may never want to change or care to, but that doesn’t have to be who you become.

Cry when you need to cry. Get upset when you need to get upset, breakdown when you need to breakdown. But what you CANNOT and WILL NOT do is bleed on others. You cannot hurt people, you cannot become the villain in your story and in someone else’s. Your heart can be mended and it will be, give yourself grace and radiate love and everything that love is and your life will change. Your future self will wake up one day, look back, and realize what a completely different person you use to be.

27

Today is my 27th birthday, first off not to be dramatic but as a child I never would of dreamed I would make it to 27. I am so thankful I did. This year has been weird with the pandemic and world events that have taken place but it was a really great one.

I lost 30 pounds , I started taking care of myself mentally and physically, I live in beautiful New York and I’m blossoming. The person I use to be wasn’t always calm, cool, and collected . Nor was she grateful. I went through most of my life defensive and like a hurricane ready to wreck every and anything in my path. It was kill or be killed for, survival of the fittest you could say.

The older I’ve gotten I’ve learned to soften myself , let down my guards, accept things that I cannot change and genuinely change the things I cannot accept.

Over 100 people wished me a happy birthday today. I was overwhelmed with emotion, their were people Ive never met messaging me saying how much I inspire them to be themselves and how much they look up to me, as well as people I know and love saying the exact things. Saying that me ‘Alexis’ is their role model . It made me think maybe I haven’t been the wrecking ball I thought I was all these years.

I am filled with gratitude and love. The life position I am in at 27 feels as if I’m exactly where I need to be , and I will continue to grow and move in the direction that is meant for me.

Cheers to many more, and thank you god for the years you’ve already given me.

So you think you aren’t worthy?

It’s easy to get lost in the world of not only social media but the real world. However; before the internet your pick of the litter only came from people you physically met , unless you were prison pin pals lol. So I think its safe to say we all feel threatened and insecure at times. We know that people can go on their phone and have 30 different apps that connect them with millions of people. Rather it be dating apps or social media apps. 

It’s easy to get inside your head about all the beautiful or handsome people out there that they could be talking to or better yet to put it simply , comparing you to. Human nature is to want more, to just take a peek and SEE if the grass is greener. Ninety percent of us want someone we are attracted to or for that matter want someone FINE as hell . So its easy to be casually dating an attractive person, who seems pretty cool and fun and still be looking. 

Why is it so hard to focus on one person at a time? Now I whole heartedly believe no-one should settle for anything less than what they want. Even if the things they want happen to be extremely shallow (which isn’t the case for most People) but some people lack substance so they genuinely could give a fuck less about the inside. ( fuck those people but all power to them ) Anyways to all my readers with real feelings let me tell you I’ll be the first to admit I not only have been the person for five years looking for greener grass but also I’ve been overlooked. 

I recently was out on a date with someone I liked and their phone was blowing up with hinge notifications . At that moment it suddenly dawned on me that everyone else is looking for the same thing . I felt somewhat helpless In a sense. Not to be dramatic but I just did. It felt like at that moment there’s nothing I could do to feel worthy

A few days went by and I kept thinking of that guy on more dates, doing the same romantic things, saying the same shit, and taking them the same places. Those few days I felt sad, insecure, misunderstood , and unlovable. I started criticizing myself. Needless to say I snapped out of it and remembered who the fuck I am. I AM worthy. There will always be prettier people, smarter , more fun, “better” body, and more charismatic . But their will NEVER be anyone like me , or like you. Let’s be honest most of us didn’t fall in love in love before with the hottest person on earth. Yet we found our partner more desirable than anyone. We didn’t care about them being perfect, we liked how imperfect they were. We loved their spirit, energy, looks, vibes, how they made us feel, the connection. 

We are ALL worthy. We all have something to contribute and to give to the world and to a partner that no-one else has. We are all unique. Someone will love us for who we are despite the fact that they have millions of options, despite the fact that we aren’t perfect, or maybe don’t look like the typical beauty standards. Your perfect person isn’t comparing you to anyone else because you’ve already won. The same way you aren’t comparing them, you could give a fuck who else exist because at the end of the day when you’re scrolling through your phone , past all the social media men and women, they’re perfect to you, they’re what you think about from dusk till dawn. 

YOU are worthy

Diary Entry

This week I had something I wanted to write about but I couldnt form a thought or sentence. I just could not focus on the topic I wanted to talk about for the life of me. So instead I figured I would write about how I’m feeling and I’m sure you all will be able to relate.

You ever feel like you’re the one who always reaches out to people? Always forgives people? Always the one who bends over backwards? The supportive one? The understanding one? Me too! I spent so many years thinking I was the one always at fault because I’ve always had a dominant personality and I can come across as rude or cold, or hard to get to know. Therefore a few years ago this guilt sank in and I wanted to be different and wanted to change my image or how people perceived me. So I became a doormat, always saying yes to things I wanted to say no to, always working it out with people who deep down I had no desire to even want to be around, always being the apologizer and taking accountability while also CHANGING my behavior while the other party stayed the same.

So it left me feeling weak and submissive. Now compared to the average person I probably wouldn’t ever be perceived as weak but compared to the person I was before, I most definitely am. Now granted I wanted to change, I needed to change. I in no way was perfect and had deep anger issues and could not control my mouth. But some things about me should of stayed the same. Like not giving people a million chances, or to stop reaching out to people who don’t give a shit if i’m alive and well. I need to stop being so fucking understanding to people who blame their fucked up behaviors on having a bad week or day, especially considering they have a bad week every other fucking week. Yet are so normal and completely fine to everyone else. I understand people go through shit but that doesn’t mean they fit into my life, in fact they drain my life.

I’m tired of being drained… Always the fixer, always the person who does what I can even when I can’t . I love people so much and so easily, I may not open up to people easily but I feel for them very easily despite not being an open book. I’ve realized as much as it bothers me not to speak to people I have to take a step back, if they miss me they will be the one that starts putting effort in. They will reach out, They will forgive, and they will take accountability and ask for forgiveness. They will bend over backwards.They will prioritize me in their life, and if they don’t .. What loss is it to me? Its not.

Sorry if this was all over the place and made zero sense , But sometimes getting my feelings out there into the world Makes me feel better and helps me stand by what I say.

Healing with anger

I read a quote the other day that said “It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from”

That resonated with me, and I’ve thought of it every day since then . I realized I am at times angry about things I thought I moved past , some things I haven’t thought about in a while . I realized I feel like this because the more you learn about something the more you realized how fucked up it was . For instance I was reading a thread about domestic abuse, I always thought domestic abuse was someone beating you up until a few years ago , I never really thought about verbal , mental , emotional abuse as abuse . If I’m being honest I was so ignorant and so abused as a child I thought it was “normal” and that people who complained about it were “fucking babies” needless to say as I got older , educated , and mature and learned how serious and deep abuse can run . So anyways then this thread talked about what to look for in a narcissist .

First I was like “I wonder if I’m a Fucking narcissist” I don’t THINK I am but who knows maybe someone else who’s come in contact with me would say I exhibited those traits . (Life is all about perception) I started thinking about a guy in my past and trust me I knew he was a mother fucker but not until I dove deep into this thread did I realize he was a full blown psychopath and narcissist. I started questioning myself wondering how I could be such a dumb ass and not see the signs right away .

Why did I let it get that far ? Why didn’t I say something ? Why wasn’t I tougher? Then I realized oh ya , I was 18 and homeless and he was 27 out of college , a white boy with money, and a family that loved him and he gave me a place to live . I looked up to him at first, he was older and seemed so well put together, he made me feel special at first. He made me feel like I could depend on him. He seemed like he wanted to be with me. He would talk about a future and a family with me. He knew all I wanted at that time was love and a sense of belonging.. he knew I needed family. That’s why I never said anything, that’s why I let him treat me any kind of way he wanted. I beat myself up for a days after reading this thread , I haven’t thought about him in years . I mean the things he would do and say to me I couldn’t even repeat because I’m to ashamed that I put up with that shit . He took advantage of my situation, the fact that I was a teenage girl with no family to lean on and no home .

It didn’t last long , you know why ? I was stronger than I gave myself credit for . I remember him waking up one morning and asking me if I could go somewhere for the day . I asked “why” obviously . He responded “Because I want this girl to come over” I stared at him and said “ok”. My eyes were full of tears I can still feel that heavy feeling in my chest when I think about that day” . So I packed up this big pink duffel bag that held my entire life in it and I left . No car , no money , no nothing . I knew I was leaving and never coming back , so did he , and he didn’t give a shit . That was the longest day of my life . I roamed around the streets of Los Angeles until I found a park . I sat in that park all day , and then I slept in that park all night .

Here’s how I’ll end this … there are mean people in this world , bad , terrible people who May disguise themselves as good at first . But I urge you all to know the signs of abuse , try not to enter into a power dynamic that could leave you flat on your ass. I know sometimes you have no choice because you have to survive, but if you can , try and educate yourself on it so you can see it coming miles away . Listen to your gut . For me this was a lesson but I experienced so many more before I realized that these men or women in some people’s cases were bad and learned to stay far away . You’ll have to experience a few bad apples as well , but the fewer the better .

“It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from” you were a victim . Your heart was broken , your soul was crushed . But you’re strong , your heart will heal, and your soul will glow again . I’m sending so much love to all of you .

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder.htm

https://www.womenshelters.org/