White picket fence

I haven’t posted on here in a long time , I blame it on being intensely medicated on anti depressants and anxiety medication taking up to 6 pills a day to combat wanting to jump off a bridge from being low or crawl out of my skin from being anxious . As well as completely numbing every creative bone in my body … I was just “getting by” not really living this past year . Needless to say I’m better now and am only on 1 pill a day and holistically healing my other issues .

A lot happened in the past year , my life flipped up side down for the absolute worst to only flip right side up for the absolute best … or is it ? I have everything I prayed for , everything I dreamed of as a kid . I’m happy , newly engaged , hunting for my first home , I’m in love and feel loved , My family is happy and healthy , and I’m looking forward to having a baby finally (soon not just yet). But why isn’t that enough ? Why isn’t anything ever enough ?

I’ve realized happiness is fleeting for me , it comes momentarily only to disappear . My thoughts are intrusive and storm in out of nowhere like an avalanche . Life is tricky , it’s not until you look back do you really appreciate it and express pure genuine gratitude. Even when life is great and should be painless it always seems painful to me in some way .

Sometimes I wanna run away , pack my things and disappear into the night . Not leaving a note , not a trace , and making sure my whereabouts are never disclosed … Not to start over , just to be alone . Completely and utterly alone . But as much as that sounds so appealing to me I also know the other side of me . The people person , the family person , how much I love my friends , my life , my fiancé and my unborn children … therefore I can’t do that . But it’s a satisfying thought .

I guess my point is I got my white picket fence … So now what ? Where do I find my joy ? Joy that lays dormant even in hard times but more importantly joy that is here even in the good times because that’s when I need it the most . It’s easy to accept being unhappy in difficult times , it makes sense . It’s hard to comprehend being depressed and deeply unhappy in good times .

Published by lexiirae310

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