When I first got sober , so many people in AA would tell me to get ready for a hard first year , once the pink cloud cleared and all the feel goods of being sober drifted away it became hands down one of the toughest years of my adult life . Treacherous uphill battles that I’m sure would of happened rather I was sober or drinking but the fact that they did happen the year I decided to leave my “medicine” behind makes me wonder what gods plan was .
At times I felt like god or the universe or SOMETHING had it out for me , wanted me to work hard for my sobriety . I experienced a death of someone I loved dearly , I experienced heart break , a traumatizing incident with ones I love , physical altercations , deception from close friends and so much more . I thought it would break me , for the past 2 months every single day I’ve wanted to drink , every single day I managed to stay sober . I knew picking up the bottle wasn’t going to fix things , it never has before and never will , but still I wanted to so badly , not to fix anything but to just take the stress and pain away for one second , I convinced myself at times I needed it , that the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I made excuse after excuse as to why I should feel bad for myself .
So why didn’t I drink?
Part of it is probably my head strong personality and my determination , I’m not a quitter. But the large majority was god , it was my relationship with a higher power and surrounding myself with people who feel the same . Being in rooms full of sober individuals who have seen the worst of the world and who have also participated in being destructive members of society found a way to stay sober . But I’ve also seen people with decades of sobriety under their belt suddenly drink. This is truly a gift and it’s so fragile because at any day you could decide to drink and for most of us it’s life or death so essentially you’re making a decision to ruin your life or even die . Even if at first it doesn’t get you , eventually it will . I experienced moments of dry drunkness which means being the same person I am drunk but sober . Easily angered , combative , rude , arrogant , deceptive , manipulative. The thing about AA and recovery is you don’t just have to stop drinking you have to stop your bullshit too . It’s something I have to work hard at every second of the day to stop myself from being the mother fucker that I once was and many times I fall short .
If it weren’t for my meetings I would of drank by now and I would of fucked my life up once more . Without god I wouldn’t of made it , I hope this next year brings me joy and happiness , I hope my sobriety stays strong and I’m able to take it one day at a time , today feels better than my birthday because it’s something I worked so incredibly hard for and didn’t expect to make it this far . It truly is only ONE day at a time .