Some of us have no problem at all being vulnerable while others like myself struggle with it. I have noticed that men especially have a much harder time more often than not with being vulnerable than most women do . That of course has to do with society for the most part .
My struggle with vulnerability partly has to do with my personality and partly with a deep fear of rejection or pain. If you’ve read my post then it comes as no surprise that emotions outside of anger and emotionless are hard for me to express . Last night I thought to myself ‘Why not just be real and see what happens’ . As quickly as that thought entered my mind it also fleeted just as fast .
I have questions I want to ask and for the most part I ask basic surface level ones . But for some reason I have a hard time asking for what I want out of people . Just completely opening up being VULNERABLE and just saying what it is I want or asking what it is the other person is feeling . I don’t want to know the answer because I’m afraid it’ll be something painful or just not enough . But again I think to myself ‘Why not get the answer so you can move on , why keep wasting time ‘ . I always thought what I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me , but it in fact it hurts me deeply not knowing where people stand .
I want to be vulnerable more and more each day . I want to be so secure in myself and my ability to be resilient despite how upsetting or hurtful it can be to open up . I also want to believe that not every outcome will be bad , that being open can lead to good things . I want to believe that vulnerability can strengthen my current relationships and create future ones .
I became to comfortable in being perceived as cold and uninterested that I actually started to become that in a lot of ways , it was no longer a perception of me but the reality . I tell myself all the time “fuck it , who cares , move on” . That is not the person I wish to be , nor has it helped me in anyway. I watched people I loved create happiness all around them and bask in beautiful relationships because I didn’t want to ask for it . I watched them detach and walk away . I rather have these uncomfortable conversations with no clue what the outcome will be than to not have them at all and be left wondering what it could of been .
To all those struggling with opening yourself up … Just do it .