Diary Entry

This week I had something I wanted to write about but I couldnt form a thought or sentence. I just could not focus on the topic I wanted to talk about for the life of me. So instead I figured I would write about how I’m feeling and I’m sure you all will be able to relate.

You ever feel like you’re the one who always reaches out to people? Always forgives people? Always the one who bends over backwards? The supportive one? The understanding one? Me too! I spent so many years thinking I was the one always at fault because I’ve always had a dominant personality and I can come across as rude or cold, or hard to get to know. Therefore a few years ago this guilt sank in and I wanted to be different and wanted to change my image or how people perceived me. So I became a doormat, always saying yes to things I wanted to say no to, always working it out with people who deep down I had no desire to even want to be around, always being the apologizer and taking accountability while also CHANGING my behavior while the other party stayed the same.

So it left me feeling weak and submissive. Now compared to the average person I probably wouldn’t ever be perceived as weak but compared to the person I was before, I most definitely am. Now granted I wanted to change, I needed to change. I in no way was perfect and had deep anger issues and could not control my mouth. But some things about me should of stayed the same. Like not giving people a million chances, or to stop reaching out to people who don’t give a shit if i’m alive and well. I need to stop being so fucking understanding to people who blame their fucked up behaviors on having a bad week or day, especially considering they have a bad week every other fucking week. Yet are so normal and completely fine to everyone else. I understand people go through shit but that doesn’t mean they fit into my life, in fact they drain my life.

I’m tired of being drained… Always the fixer, always the person who does what I can even when I can’t . I love people so much and so easily, I may not open up to people easily but I feel for them very easily despite not being an open book. I’ve realized as much as it bothers me not to speak to people I have to take a step back, if they miss me they will be the one that starts putting effort in. They will reach out, They will forgive, and they will take accountability and ask for forgiveness. They will bend over backwards.They will prioritize me in their life, and if they don’t .. What loss is it to me? Its not.

Sorry if this was all over the place and made zero sense , But sometimes getting my feelings out there into the world Makes me feel better and helps me stand by what I say.

Published by lexiirae310

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