I read a quote the other day that said “It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from”
That resonated with me, and I’ve thought of it every day since then . I realized I am at times angry about things I thought I moved past , some things I haven’t thought about in a while . I realized I feel like this because the more you learn about something the more you realized how fucked up it was . For instance I was reading a thread about domestic abuse, I always thought domestic abuse was someone beating you up until a few years ago , I never really thought about verbal , mental , emotional abuse as abuse . If I’m being honest I was so ignorant and so abused as a child I thought it was “normal” and that people who complained about it were “fucking babies” needless to say as I got older , educated , and mature and learned how serious and deep abuse can run . So anyways then this thread talked about what to look for in a narcissist .
First I was like “I wonder if I’m a Fucking narcissist” I don’t THINK I am but who knows maybe someone else who’s come in contact with me would say I exhibited those traits . (Life is all about perception) I started thinking about a guy in my past and trust me I knew he was a mother fucker but not until I dove deep into this thread did I realize he was a full blown psychopath and narcissist. I started questioning myself wondering how I could be such a dumb ass and not see the signs right away .
Why did I let it get that far ? Why didn’t I say something ? Why wasn’t I tougher? Then I realized oh ya , I was 18 and homeless and he was 27 out of college , a white boy with money, and a family that loved him and he gave me a place to live . I looked up to him at first, he was older and seemed so well put together, he made me feel special at first. He made me feel like I could depend on him. He seemed like he wanted to be with me. He would talk about a future and a family with me. He knew all I wanted at that time was love and a sense of belonging.. he knew I needed family. That’s why I never said anything, that’s why I let him treat me any kind of way he wanted. I beat myself up for a days after reading this thread , I haven’t thought about him in years . I mean the things he would do and say to me I couldn’t even repeat because I’m to ashamed that I put up with that shit . He took advantage of my situation, the fact that I was a teenage girl with no family to lean on and no home .
It didn’t last long , you know why ? I was stronger than I gave myself credit for . I remember him waking up one morning and asking me if I could go somewhere for the day . I asked “why” obviously . He responded “Because I want this girl to come over” I stared at him and said “ok”. My eyes were full of tears I can still feel that heavy feeling in my chest when I think about that day” . So I packed up this big pink duffel bag that held my entire life in it and I left . No car , no money , no nothing . I knew I was leaving and never coming back , so did he , and he didn’t give a shit . That was the longest day of my life . I roamed around the streets of Los Angeles until I found a park . I sat in that park all day , and then I slept in that park all night .
Here’s how I’ll end this … there are mean people in this world , bad , terrible people who May disguise themselves as good at first . But I urge you all to know the signs of abuse , try not to enter into a power dynamic that could leave you flat on your ass. I know sometimes you have no choice because you have to survive, but if you can , try and educate yourself on it so you can see it coming miles away . Listen to your gut . For me this was a lesson but I experienced so many more before I realized that these men or women in some people’s cases were bad and learned to stay far away . You’ll have to experience a few bad apples as well , but the fewer the better .
“It’s ok to be angry about things you thought you healed from” you were a victim . Your heart was broken , your soul was crushed . But you’re strong , your heart will heal, and your soul will glow again . I’m sending so much love to all of you .