I found a new stretch mark on me this week. It’s about and inch long and right on the side of my boob. I’ve been obsessing over it. I raise my arms in all different directions to see what angles make it look better and make it look worse. I hate it. Now every time I take my shirt off I see this white stretch mark sitting right there on the side of my boob the boobs I use to love, the boobs I paid 7500 dollars for. The past few days i’ve been avoiding the mirror as much as possible when I’m naked. I get like this a week or two out of each month. My body image is crushed. I can’t stand to look at myself and when I do I want to crawl out of my skin. I find not just a few flaws but my entire being is just ugly to me.
I hate waking up and worrying about what I CAN’T eat, how much harder I should workout, getting a nose job, getting new clothes, changing my hair, being more successful, making more money, being a better person, trying a new skincare line to help my breakouts and dark marks. I haven’t always been like this. One day I just became this way. All of a sudden a few years ago I just experienced what seems to be serious self esteem issues. I gave into every insecurity a person could have and stopped enjoying things about myself . Now again I have weeks that I feel fine, I feel decent, cute and not half bad. However those feelings are becoming few and far between.
I wish I could end this blog post this week with encouraging words and me saying things to make myself or someone else feel better. That’s not the case. The truth is I think most of us will encounter self esteem issues and feel inadequate at times rather it be a physical issue , an emotional issue, mental issue , or financial issues. Insecurities can manifest itself in may different forms. I think being critical of yourself is beneficial in many ways, but I think theres a fine line of being critical and being negative and abusive to yourself.
The best thing I can do is work on it, because I never like to complain about an issue that I have no desire to fix. I have to use whatever avenues I can find to help build my confidence rather that be read, workout harder, blogs, podcast, meditation. I plan to try and work on my self esteem everyday so that I can accept myself . No matter what I do I’m always gonna be Alexis, I can’t climb out of my body and be someone else, I’m stuck with myself and I need to make my mind and body and enjoyable place to be stuck in.