Grieving the living

So let me start off by saying yesterday was the most random day of my life. I have been in rural Tennessee since the pandemic started and I had to leave the busy city of New York . ( oh how I miss it ) But my parents who live in Los Angeles suggested I come see them and spend the second half of my quarantine in LA. I most definitely wasn’t going to turn that offer down . I am here now, and Must say an ocean view and warm weather makes quarantine much easier to manage.

I boarded my flight yesterday from ATL to LAX. It wasn’t full at all and their were lots of empty seats and of course everyone was required to wear a mask. But under one particular persons mask I was able to make out some familiar eyes, and then familiar tattoos, and a familiar memory. It was my ex .

Now a little quick back story. I lost my virginity to him at 15 and we were in young love, which eventually grew into adult love. We ended our relationship 5 years ago and when we did we never spoke again. No calls, text, social media, nothing was exchanged. I moved out of the state so that I never had to endure the pain of running into him . That breakup devastated me like nothing else I’ve ever experienced and I’ve experienced a lot of shit. He moved on immediately after me and left me with a billion pieces to pick up. I went to Maine in a tiny cabin where I sobbed and had no access to the outside world. I eventually moved into my grandmothers in the middle of fucking Kansas and refused to eat or speak to anyone. I was less than 100 pounds at one point. I called psychics every night and tried to find clarity and understanding. I was broken .

Slowly I picked up the pieces over the years but always felt a little broken. It wasn’t until November 2019 only six months ago that I finally got rid of everything he ever gave me and things that reminded me of him. Trufthfully I never fully opened my heart up since that break up.

UNITL NOW

I got off the plane and made up my mind I was going to go up to him and speak after a four hour plane ride debating if I had it in me to do so. I walked up to him at baggage claim and said “hi”. Sweats on , tank top, no makeup and messy bun. This was not exactly how I pictured running into him . OH and believe me I’ve pictured it many times. He responded with hello and I could tell he was extremely shocked. Our conversation lasted 20 seconds. I basically just said I wanted to say hi and I hope he is well . He said the same, then we went our separate ways. As I walked away I never felt so happy and light. I felt nothing for him. Not a thing for this man that I spent years feeling empty from losing him. I was free you guys. Understand my words, I was FREE. Free from wondering, free from feeling like I failed at a relationship, free from wondering why not me, and free from him. I don’t believe in organized religion . It genuinely makes me uncomfortable. But I believe in god and the universe . The odds of me running into this person on a plane in a city I don’t live in during a pandemic are slim to none. God did that for me. He gave me such a beautiful and much needed blessing. He gave me closure. But most of all he gave me peace.

Time heals all wounds. It’s so hard to believe that when you’re going through a hard time that feels like their is no end in sight. I never thought I would recover from the pain I felt, or that I would find anyone and if I did would I be able to give my heart to them fully. I can tell you 100% there is love after loss. There is forgiveness , there is understanding, there is someone else. Trust the process, trust yourself and trust whatever higher power or energy you believe in. Life goes on.

Ive never felt better and been happier . That 1 in a million experience is something I will appreciate for the rest of my life.

I am healed.

Finally.

Published by lexiirae310

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